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Do Humans Mate for Life
by Dr. Christine Breese
Everyone is looking for “the one” who will be a
partner for life. Some even feel that they are looking for a lost soul
counterpart, their other half somewhere here on the earth like a needle
in a haystack. Many believe that human beings are meant
to mate for life. However, I am not so sure about that. I think perhaps
that idea could be erroneous, and maybe it is in fact a rare contract
that only happens to a few. I don’t believe the long-term “mates for
life” applies to all of us. I’m sure we all get our chance to
experience that in our reincarnational cycle, but is it meant to be in
every lifetime that we find “the one” and stay together for life? If so, then most of us have missed the mark! If
it is all One Self living many lives, then EVERYONE is your soul mate!
Rare contracts to mate for life for some, yes, but soul mates, no. I
believe that human beings were meant to stay together for only however
long it serves them to be mates, rather than trying to force ourselves
into the rare contract of mating with one person for life. The
disappointment that comes if we should fail is unnecessary and self
defeating, and we should be open to the idea of serial monogamy as a
possibility for being the norm, rather than finding “the one.” Serial Monogamy Serial
monogamy is having one mate at a time in a series, which becomes
several mates over a lifetime. A person is monogamous during the time
that he or she is with a mate, and then when that relationship comes to
a close, there is an opening to start a new relationship. I’m not
talking about simple dating, for that is something else; I call it
“shopping.” I’m talking about relationships that turn out to be years
long, but not lifelong. If you think back on it, the relationships that
you have had in the past have taught you a lot, caused you to grow, and
have in the long run been a blessing in your life. Some relationships
showed you what you don’t want in a relationship, and that is how they
served you. Other relationships showed you riches within yourself, and
yet others showed you what you like in relationships. If
we don’t cling to a relationship, and we are willing to let it go when
it has run its course, then the ending of a relationship does not have
to be an ordeal that causes suffering or ugliness between the two
people. While there is importance in remaining committed
to working out differences in a relationship, there is also importance
in knowing when the relationship is truly ending. Ending relationships
can be recognized as a passage of a chapter in life, and the good
memories can be what prevails rather than bitterness or anger because
that person did not turn out to be “the one.” It does not have to be
seen as a failure, but rather as an accomplishment, a beautiful
experience that becomes a permanent part of one’s makeup. Lasting
friendships can result from relationships that have transitioned into a
different phase. In fact, all your relationships can transition into deep friendships if you let them. What About The Children? Some people would ask what to do about situations when there are children, however. This does indeed prove to be a problem in today’s societal setup. It
used to be that people lived in communities and villages together.
Children were raised by the community rather than a nuclear family
consisting of only the mother and father. It is harder
now than it used to be to raise children because only two adults are
responsible for all the work, whereas in days past the workload was
much less because it was shared by an entire community. Therefore, the
mother and father could change mates without it being a terrible
experience for the child, especially since the children would still
have daily contact with both parents within the community. Even
today, when the parents want to part ways it is possible to do so
without shattering the children if it is done with wisdom, compassion,
and a long lasting friendship continues between the parents. Rather
than the dramas and harmfulness that are directed at each other during
hostile breakups, lovers can simply release each other to their next
serial monogamous relationship without tearing at each other. This is
what causes the children the damage and harm. I believe a lot of the
hostility that happens in these ugly breakups is because each are both
angry that the other did not turn out to be “the one” and there is a
sense of failure in the self and a sense of disappointment in the other
because each are trying to fit into a societal standard that is
unrealistic and unreasonable. The idea of marriage for life is
misleading, and yet it is the standard everyone must achieve. The Origins Of Marriage Perhaps society should relax its ideas about relationships. After all, the origins of marriage are a bit antiquated even though it is a beautiful idea. Originally, it was created so that a man could own a woman, and a woman would be taken care of by a man. A
woman could not own land or a business, nor could she generate her own
money. A woman had to be married or she was destined to be penniless, a
prostitute, or nun. A man without a wife was destined to have no heirs,
no love, and eat poorly! It was a symbiotic relationship under the guise of marriage. In
fact, love within a marriage was rare in history and was marriage was
an arrangement of convenience and survival. This is not to say that
love did not occur within marriages of the past, but more often than
not there was a race to get married to someone who is at least
acceptable, even though not loved, so as not to be left uncared for on
both the woman and the man’s part. Now there is freedom to choose, and there is also freedom to come and go. A
woman can take care of herself financially nowadays, and men have
learned how to cook! So now there is no necessity to marriage or
survival issues connected to it anymore. More than ever, love is a
prerequisite and requirement for marriages to last. In a
way, that is a good thing and shows that there is evolution in
humankind. I believe it is quite natural for humans to move from one
relationship to another, though, and the suffering created by the idea
of marriage-for-life not working out is an unnecessary ordeal we put
ourselves through because we are attempting to achieve an unnatural
goal that humankind was never meant for. Freedom To Choose See relationships as passing chapters in life, and let them go without struggle if they are naturally ending. There
is wisdom in knowing the ebb and flow of relationships and the fine
line between being committed to making a relationship work versus
knowing when to walk away in peace. There is no failure if a
relationship does not last for a lifetime. Instead, it is the natural
flow of the human species, and the sooner society can stop expecting
humans to fit into a constrictive idea about relationships, the sooner
the suffering and stress around relationships will end.
Relationships: Do Humans Mate for Life? by Christine Breese, Ph.D. is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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